What dominance means to me
I entered sex work out of a desire for adventure rather than out of financial need. Of course, the money is phenomenal and a fundamental element but not the only element. This route meant that I always had my own needs and desires in mind. I was looking to build an alternative universe I could step into with no consequences. I could admit and fulfil my sexual desires without intimidating a monogamous partner or shocking my normal friends. In the real world I can’t think of when I’d have got the opportunity to parade around in £2,000 worth of latex, go to a sex party in Berlin with three hot escorts or stay in a former-brothel-turned-luxury-hotel in Paris with an incredibly generous client.
From my personal experience, being a sex worker puts you at complete control of the situation. You need to go in with a level of confidence and a ‘don’t fuck with me vibe’ which sets the tone. This has to be carefully crafted so not to scare or intimidate the lovely married man looking to confide in you for a few hours, but enough to let the cocky multi-millionaire know that he won’t get away with pushing any of your boundaries.
Having a new name helps with this when you’re a baby heaux, because you’re not being yourself, you’re being ‘Olivia’. And, although you might never want to upset or offend, Olivia takes no messing around, certainly not from a new client. Olivia will confidently sit there and count out the cash in front of you before scouring the room for hidden cameras. If she finds a problem, she leaves and you lose the woman of your dreams. Sucks to be you.
Having to be this assertive but still sexually available is instantly arousing to me. I have always been naturally dominant but, the word dominant – just like the word love – has so many connotations and meanings it almost needs to have sub words underneath it.
When I think of how porn sites categorise sexual dominance it’s broadly in one of two ways. One: a male or group of males using a submissive woman for their own pleasure, usually in a humiliating or degrading fashion and without any effort towards her sexual pleasure or orgasm.
Or, two: a woman or group of women degrading a man verbally while still focusing on his physical pleasure, perhaps by fucking him with a strap-on or whipping him. They are however physically ‘off limits’ usually wearing an outfit which restricts his ability to touch, kiss or penetrate her.
While both of these forms of dominance are valid, they are not what dominance means to me. (Although I do appreciate that these things are increased for the camera). When I am not a voyeur but an active participant I find the most thrilling dominance achieved in more subtle ways. Primarily being dominant over my lover means that they devote themselves to me and put my sexual pleasure above their own. They are turned on by turning me on. That’s why the traditional ‘off limits’ mistress doesn’t appeal to me. I love sex and want to be an active participant whatever role I am playing.
I don’t get off on being a selfish lover, but I do get off on seeing how aroused you are while on your knees pleasuring me. I love the aesthetics of dominance. The claustrophobia of latex and the simple act it invites of my lover to shine it for me. I also adore the smell and weight of leather restraints, and although dominant I love wearing a collar and cuffs. For me the outfit is important as I am incredibly visual, but I want it to allow you to pleasure me through it or I want the option to remove some so that you can access me. I also like to tease and prevent you from reaching an orgasm until I have, women require more time and effort to orgasm, and I luxuriate in the time it takes while getting off on the effort you’re making to please me. Admittedly I am also incredibly aroused by the fact you're paying me to worship me.
Another element of my dominance style is power dynamics. In my daily life I am a creative, super liberal and a very generous friend. It is fun for me to behave in a way which puts my needs and desires first. This is also very sexy when I am with a partner who has a lot of responsibility, expectation or success in their daily life. Having them as my sexual servant is incredibly erotic for me. Being naturally tall I love to wear thigh-high kinky boots, and even in my daily life I tend to wear killer heels, boots, leather jeans/jackets so I am naturally drawn to this style of lingerie.
Something that is often overlooked is the eroticism of being undressed, washed and massaged as part of sexual pleasure. I love a 'happy ending' massage, (who doesn't?), and just being washed and watched. This can be achieved with a mirror or simply by allowing my lover to watch me pleasure myself.
Communication is key
There are many other ways to explore sensual dominance or take it to the more staged approach of whips, restraints and verbal humiliation. For me though, this side is definite role play and would only be done if requested and consented to by my lover. I think pornographic content being so readily available can make people assume they need to adhere to these behaviours or participate in them to be truly into BDSM. I think that sexuality has way more shades to it than that and exploring whatever fits your kink is what is valid to you.
When booking a sex worker or just exploring new avenues with any sexual partner, it’s important to discuss things like this with them. I also have a submissive side I like to explore and once had a lover refer to me as a ‘filthy whore,’ thinking that would turn me on. I was visibly not turned on and it ruined the experience for me as I felt it was a step too far. Whatever your kinks are communication is key.
What did you think of my first blog, would you like to see more from me?